“He wanted to know if fish have penises,” my daughter told me. “So we googled it and found that they don’t. Then we got into a long search involving animal penises of all kinds. If anyone looked at my search history right now, they’d think I was a pervert.”
“Well, I’m glad he’s amplifying his interest in penises beyond his own at last, I guess, but I think you’re safe. Penis searches don’t always involve perversion. Apparently, sometimes, it’s educational.” I replied. My eight year old grandson had been fascinated with his penis since he first learned its name and his little brother imitated his enthusiasm, as he did many things about his big brother, when he wasn’t discovering his own creative originality. They both thought girls were at a distinct disadvantage with their ‘cutted off’ penises.
“Yeah, maybe,” said my daughter. “I finally had to tell him where babies come from. He asked in such a direct manner I couldn’t dodge it.” She was sitting at the table in their east facing cocina. The sliding glass doors looked out on their canopied brick porch her hubby had put in for Mother’s Day. Kat had put planters, some of which she had spray painted red to match the 50’s style red metal table and chairs. She filled them with herbs and flowers. Their lawn was finally taking off and the colors were beautiful against the wet grass.
“So what did you tell him,” I asked.
“I kept it pretty cut and dried,” she replied, “not like you did when you told me.”
I had jumped the gun a bit with my parental sex education responsibilities I had to admit. I hadn’t wanted to miss the question and was anxious that I do it right and ended up doing it wrong.
“I know,” I said. “I guess you really didn’t need me to draw you those pictures either.”
“Well it’s a good thing you didn’t get to be a better artist till later. Anyway, we found out that flatworms do something called penis jousting.”
“Penis jousting?” The picture that instantly sprung to mind was amusing but unrealistic.
“Flatworms are asexual or bisexual or something. Anyway they each have both sets of parts,” my daughter continued. “The first one to get stabbed in the ‘penis joust’ is the one that gets pregnant. If they both stab each other at the same exact moment, then they both get pregnant. Chad was really fascinated.”
“How funny,” I observed. “Penis jousting. Humans seem to have sublimated that in so many ways. Wish more of them were peaceful.”
“Now mom, don’t go all sociological on me,” replied Kat quickly.
“Oh all right,” I said, squelched.
“Since our penis exploration experience on the internet, Chad has been creating scenarios.”
“Uh oh. I wonder how those go.”
“His latest involves a penis transplant,” Kat replied.
“Wo. Did you run across a Lorena Bobbit website on your animal penis search?”
Kat giggled. “No, but his story did involve a castration theme. Apparently, Mike accidently had his penis cut off.”
“Huh. As opposed to another appendage Mike actually intended to have cut off, or was his penis cut off in an accident? Be precise, dear.”
“Oh shut up, mom.”
“OK, but isn’t there some sort of psychological symbolism involved, though?”
Kat got up to pour us some more ice tea. “Probably related to some Oedipal thing. Do boys to the Oedipal thing or is it the Elektra thing?”
“I think they do the Oedipal thing and girls do the Electra thing, unless we’re talking Jung versus Freud.”
My daughter’s eyes widened and she said quickly, “Well let’s not get into all that now. So anyway, after Mike’s penis is accidentally cut off, his doctor gives him a penis transplant from a mummy!”
“Wow, a mummy!”
“Yep, a mummy.”
“Then what happens?”
“Well, naturally mommy and daddy immediately get into a spirited penis joust and daddy wins, injecting mummy penis dust into mommy causing her to get pregnant and have a baby mummy.”
“Hmmm…I’m guessing the baby came pre-swaddled?”
“Ha ha. And you know how Davy can suck his belly button all the way back to his spine? That’s how I look after delivering my mummy baby.”